Difficult Conversations
by Douglas Stone
Key Concepts
Three Conversations
Every difficult talk involves 'What Happened,' 'Feelings,' and 'Identity' layers.
Truth vs. Story
Shift from proving who is right to understanding each person's unique story.
Intent vs. Impact
Separate your intentions from the actual impact your actions had on others.
Contribution System
Move beyond blame to explore how everyone contributed to the situation.
Learning Stance
Approach dialogue with genuine curiosity, not certainty or judgment.
Action Items
Identify the 'What Happened,' 'Feelings,' and 'Identity' layers in your own mind first.
Ask 'What information do they have that I don't?' instead of assuming their motives.
Clearly state your intentions and acknowledge the impact of your actions.
Describe your feelings without judgment or assigning blame.
Focus on mutual contribution to problems, not just the other person's fault.
Practice active listening to understand, not just to respond.
Core Thesis
Difficult conversations are not about truth, but about navigating differing perceptions, feelings, and identities with a learning mindset.
Mindset Shift
Difficult conversations transform from battles to win into collaborative learning opportunities.