Fight Right
by Julie and John Gottman
Key Concepts
Repair Attempts
Small gestures or phrases that de-escalate tension and prevent arguments from spiraling.
Four Horsemen
Destructive communication patterns—criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling—that predict relationship failure.
Softened Start-Up
Initiating discussions about problems gently, focusing on feelings and needs rather than blame.
Accept Influence
The willingness to be open to and incorporate your partner's perspective and needs.
Physiological Soothing
Techniques to calm your body and mind during conflict to prevent emotional flooding.
Action Items
Identify and actively avoid the 'Four Horsemen' in your communication.
Practice making and receiving 'repair attempts' to de-escalate arguments.
Initiate difficult conversations with a 'softened start-up,' expressing needs without blame.
Take a 20-minute break if you or your partner feel emotionally overwhelmed during conflict.
Actively listen to understand your partner's perspective, even when you disagree.
Core Thesis
Healthy relationships don't avoid conflict, but rather learn to fight constructively, using disagreements as opportunities for deeper connection and understanding.
Mindset Shift
Conflict is not a sign of a failing relationship, but an inevitable and potentially growth-promoting aspect of intimacy.