Hold Me Tight
by Sue Johnson
Key Concepts
Attachment Needs
Humans are wired for secure connection; fear of loss drives much relationship conflict.
Demon Dialogues
Predictable negative interaction patterns that escalate conflict and mask deeper fears.
Raw Spots
Deep-seated vulnerabilities or fears from past experiences triggered in arguments.
Safe Haven
A partner who provides comfort and security, fulfilling essential attachment needs.
Emotional Responsiveness
Being attuned, engaged, and accessible to your partner's emotional bids.
Action Items
Identify your 'demon dialogues' and the roles you and your partner play in them.
Look beneath surface anger or withdrawal to uncover underlying fears and attachment needs.
Share your 'raw spots' and vulnerabilities with your partner in a safe, open way.
Practice active listening and validate your partner's emotions, even if you don't agree.
Create 'bonding moments' by being emotionally present and responsive to your partner's bids.
Core Thesis
Relationship distress stems from a perceived threat to the attachment bond, which can be healed by understanding and openly expressing core emotional needs.
Mindset Shift
Relationship problems are not about a lack of love or compatibility, but about a breakdown in the secure attachment bond, which can be repaired.