The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
by John Gottman
Key Concepts
Love Maps
Understand your partner's inner world, hopes, and fears.
Turn Towards
Respond positively to your partner's bids for connection, however small.
Four Horsemen
Identify and eliminate criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling from interactions.
Repair Attempts
Use specific actions to de-escalate conflict and prevent emotional flooding.
Shared Meaning
Create common goals, values, and rituals that bind you as a couple.
Action Items
Regularly ask open-ended questions to update your 'Love Maps' of your partner.
Actively express appreciation and admiration for your partner daily.
When discussing conflict, start gently without blame or criticism.
Take breaks during arguments if you feel overwhelmed to self-soothe.
Actively listen and validate your partner's perspective, even if you disagree.
Core Thesis
Successful marriages are built on cultivating deep friendship, mutual respect, and mastering conflict resolution, not avoiding disagreements.
Mindset Shift
Healthy relationships are not conflict-free, but rather defined by how effectively couples manage and repair during disagreements.