How to Know a Person
by David Brooks
Key Concepts
Inner Lives
People possess rich, often hidden inner worlds distinct from their public personas.
Radical Empathy
Actively trying to feel and understand another's emotional state and perspective.
Thick Description
Observing and interpreting behavior within its full context and underlying motivations.
Attention as Love
Giving focused, non-judgmental attention is a profound act of care and connection.
Narrative Identity
Understanding individuals by appreciating their evolving life stories and self-conceptions.
Action Items
Practice deep listening, focusing on underlying emotions and unspoken needs.
Ask open-ended questions that invite personal stories and reflections.
Resist the urge to categorize or judge quickly; seek deeper understanding.
Spend unhurried, present time with others, free from distractions.
Share your own vulnerabilities to foster mutual trust and openness.
Core Thesis
True understanding of others requires patient, empathetic observation and a commitment to seeing their complex inner world beyond surface appearances.
Mindset Shift
The book shifts from viewing people as problems to solve or categories to label, to seeing them as complex, evolving mysteries to be deeply appreciated.